When You Know YOU Are Screwed!

Now here’s another post about me (not) making a fool of myself which made up one of the most interesting moments of my life (When I talk about life DO NOT  think of me as a bearded old man stuck to his deathbed dictating stuff to his kids to post on his blog. It’s just been 20 years of life here! That’s about 10 turtle years!)
Now suddenly my head is aching coz my apparent pea size brain ( I like to exaggerate .. I guess even trees have a larger brains that a pea) is churning the cog-works inside it as if average brains have levers, Well, we’re talking of my brain here.

Not that I’m not proud of my brain here, that I’m giving it a hard bashing publicly, It’s just that I love it so much that I wish to smother it to death… Okay enough of small talk, I know you’re growing impatient to check out how a guy you never heard about or cared about, well you’d care is you knew he ever existed right? Cuddled in some corner of this spherical world is busy making a fool of himself, well … I bet you’re interested in listening to him, coz success stories are too mainstream and to tell the truth, are boring unless you are the protagonist of the story.
Here… Being an Indian from India born in India and have Indian parents and being brought up in a typical Indian background where  and average Indian silently hides ketchup sachets at McD, and Burger King and hides them in places where you foreigners can’t even imagine to imagine… (Pssst… I never said I don’t do that .. :v … I have to do it! That’s how a mother evaluates her son’s worth in the Indian society, “Mrs. Verma, My son got three ketchup sachets without anyone seeing him!” … “Oh! Is it? Don’t tell it out Mrs. Kapoor, My son got four ketchups and three oregano’s back home!” … Trust me, people, Mrs. Kapoor would’ve wept herself to sleep that night and wouldn’t de-recognize her son) ….
Well, I was in my 12th and my Junior College (That’s what we call high school in South India to have the premature feeling of being in college) and after working hard by playing angry birds or monopoly on a friends’ iPhone without the keen-eyed instructor catching our *We won’t listen to your boring class and we will smuggle WLAN and play monopoly with the whole class cartel* (Trust me, teachers think of under the desk business something as we were smuggling drugs… You people may not know, but they sentence students to the highest order of punishment if we are caught using mobiles in class …. Shhhh .. don’t tell it out – They threaten to call our parent’s !!!!! (I guess the Indian’s would know what happens when they tell the parents … Ooooh .. I’m gonna do another post about parents! I love you Demi Moore for no reason at all)
So after a serious of the strenuous work during the lunch break, we opened our lunch boxes because the canteen (That’s what they called it) sold last years veg puff and the leftovers from the Biryani that my Grandfather burped out of happiness when he got the news of his overwhelming amazing first grandson (I so much envy my cousin for it) .
That’s where the story begins, I apologise for all the useless foreplay… (Did I just say foreplay? Trust me, I’m bad with vocabulary *sometimes*) I never opened my lunch .. I opened my friend’s lunch first. He had no clue I opened it, he was too busy trying to break his own top score of Fruit-Ninja on his iPhone 3GS (That was the latest back then … Oh puh-lease reader! Don’t start visualizing my story in black and white holocaust era cameras where the tape was salvaged in a shipwreck) And started having a nice time with his food. After hogging a quarter of his enormous lunch box I asked, “Dude, What’s this tomato rice? It’s pretty amazing. What’d your mum do?” That guy looked up, saw his box. *Facepalm* (Now that I think of it, that facepalm was why the dinosaurs were wiped off the face of the earth) I was confused – Should I tell him the truth? Or not?
A slight backstory: He was a nonvegetarian and I was a vegetarian … But he rarely got nonveg… Moreover, I was in this sect of my religion where touching / smelling/ looking /thinking /imagining / listening/ (any verb that you can add ) about non-veg is considered a sin.. and at least in my family. So he was in a fix.
He said, “ This tomato rice is called Rice and Prawn curry”  Poker face mode turned on.. Time slows down like for eternity. Everyone is in slow motion and so was I. I was thinking…. Thinking … thinking … So slow that I don’t even want to remember what I thought because I’m afraid I’ll start thinking slow now!
I was like …. Let me weigh my options now … My parents are gonna know it anyways… Somehow or the other the news of this would reach them … Sherlock? Pffft … He’s like a kid in front of my parent’s detective skills!
1.I scream my head off… Swear at my friend and clean my tongue? Go to the washroom and force myself to vomit in the immensely stinking commode increasing the stink status by 2x rendering all life forms to stay quarantined outside the bathroom? Clip my tongue and burn it? Rip my stomach and? Oh, wait.. If I did that I can’t eat Pizza … Hmm, so this option is off charts …
2.But I actually liked the tomato rice which by some black magic (Haruki Murakami style) turned into Prawns the moment my friend saw it . I can’t unclaim what I claimed (It’s pretty common here, especially when a vegetarian by mistake has something non-veg.) Hmm… Well … Option two … Stay in the poker face mode!
Well, I did not choose either of those… I actually liked it. I don’t remember the taste now, but I know how good I felt having it. I took my box had my lunch (sharing it with him of course) and actually asked him to keep aside some rice without the Prawns! In the end, I was so full coz apparently my mum made a pretty heavy lunch for me and I couldn’t have the rice, though. But It was great after taste.
You might be wondering where is the screwed up part? Well, it’s the feeling you are about to feel now! A realization that you screwed up your time reading a screwed up story of a screwed up guy which wasn’t about him being screwed! You could’ve been reading something else, but this post had to appear out of nowhere on your email/reader or your source of these posts!
In my defence, I’d say this is clearly titled When you know YOU are screwed rather than When you know I am screwed
Well, I didn’t think this story was actually the time I was screwed, It was a narrow escape from being screwed. Luckily my parents didn’t come to know of this until now. I doubt they read my blog; So, I’m assuming that I’m safe. Well if they did, that’s when the screwed up part comes!
I know you guys are hoping that they read it and I really am screwed! Either because you really loved this post and want more .. or maybe really pissed off… If that’s the case then maybe I deserve to be screwed!
On my part, fingers crossed, I don’t wanna be screwed! So in hopes that I’m alive until my next post, I hereby beg for forgiveness and take my leave!!

12 thoughts on “When You Know YOU Are Screwed!

  1. 😂😂😂😂 all’s well that ends well. You enjoyed the curry rice. Worth the effort. My son does this with his veggie frnz. When I give him pander bhujiya FOR Tiffin… HE promptly tells them it’s scrambled eggs… Once the poor guy ate his chicken pizza.
    There is another frn of his who has turned from veg to non-veg (in school only)After eating his Tiffin

    Liked by 1 person

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